A Letter to My…?

 

A Letter to My…?

By: Ahmad Saeed

 

About four/four and a half years ago, I saw you for the first time and the moment I saw you, I was struck by an unknown emotion: an emotion that lit the candle of your love in my heart and for a whole year I tried to get some attention from you and had tried many excuses but nothing worked out. Obviously, I couldn't find the courage to come close to you and wasted one year in doing nothing worthy. Then came the year 2018, the last year of our Masters. And the moment, 2018 came, I was afraid that if this time too my fear would overcome my feelings and this year too would end as last year ended then my love for you would remain unexpressed…

Anyways, it was good that in the second semester, on the pretext of sending photos of some lecture notes, I had taken your mobile number and had saved it in my mobile, that really helped me to have a few short chats with you initially and to flirt later on. I remember, how I used to pull off the things when you got offended on some things when I did flirt. Well, after struggling a lot and working hard on you for months, finally, I had managed to call you to the university to express this long-standing love on the account of returning library card.

I know you must be bored now, so I am taking you straight to the bench on the corner of the lecture campus where you came to give me the library card and I timidly expressed my love to you, to which you replied and questioned both at the same time: "How all at once?" And I was forced to confess my Love! - (I said in my heart because I didn't have the courage to say this to you on your face my darling) - This heart has been suffering from constant inflammation of love for the past one year, but it has been expressed through the tongue today, hearing upon, you murmured and asked me a few more questions about here and there, and after hearing all your things I simply said:  "If it is a “No” then I’ll be no longer in touch with you”. (Total rubbish) – Who imagined that not talking to you for a few days will not be the end of our story, but will become the reason for a new relationship that will make us two bodies and one soul for each other (sounds like a movie dialogue, doesn't it?).

Well! For some time, you were behaving very fastidiously but finally my company worked out and you surrendered and embraced our love and embraced it in such a way that today more than three years have been passed and with each passing day that love is increasing.

In these last three years, how many nights have we spent feeling each other and talking, how many days we spent together, sometimes in class, sometimes walking through the campus, teasing each other, making fun of each other without worrying about the world and its inhabitants. It is hard to recall exact numbers when we looked at each other with teary eyes fearing of our certain future but I vividly remember your face used to dropped and at the corners, moisture used to gather, formed drops, slowly began to slide down your chin, adhesively, I always used to say stop babe! Why do you always cry? I am here with you at this moment. And you always used to look up with your teary eyes replying to me while the tears rolled down your cheeks: “but until when? And what’s wrong with you guys, there at home, my mom not letting me cry and here you are doing the same as she does”. Taking a pause for a while I always replied with a smile: Just shut up and stop crying and deep inside, I always heard someone saying don’t cry sweetheart, because every drop of your tears makes me cry tears of blood.”

Oh Dear! Do you remember, every time, when you were returning home, it seemed as if today was the last time we met, and I might never see you again, and this thought alone was enough to drain my soul.

I don't know how many sweet and sour fights we had, sometimes we didn't even talk for several days, we used to spend our time checking each other’s WhatsApp status and lean on whether both of us are still online and then when it becomes unbearable, we would text each other (mostly you were the one who took the initiative). I was kind of arrogant (Akdu) in your language).

I don't know what will happen in the coming days, but today when I look back at all those moments that we spent together, life looks so beautiful full of happiness, joy, sulking, conciliating and cheerfulness. I still remember, how I used to console you and calm you down when any marriage proposals used to come from somewhere else. All happiness, sadness, satisfaction, restlessness and every kinds of feelings are associated with our past and these moments and emotions cannot be forgotten even if we want to.

I never thought that our relationship would become so deep that thinking of separation would bring tears to my eyes and today life has brought me to such a place where I can be happy by deceiving myself and avoiding reality but as soon as the eyes will witness the reality, there will be a sea of tears deluging. Yeah! If I turn my eyes away from the truth, there is peace, but the shadow of a lie does not last long. I don't know how many more days are left to listen to Baby, Pagal, Ladaku, Kaminey Kind of words coming out of your mouth...?

Uff! These fucking eyes started shedding the tears, they can't even let me write anything…

Well! You remember, usually whenever we have a fight, I say angrily, "Kisi Se Ab Koi Bichde To Mar Nahi Jata" (No one dies after a separation) It is true, absolutely no one dies, but does they live either? Is dying a thousand deaths every day called a life? Every memory, everything stings like a spear in the chest, the heartbeat increases, feeling like suffocating while thinking about past, will you call this life? Is it...?

They say: “Kabhi Kisi Ko Mukammal Jaha’n Nahi Milta” (No one ever gets everything, they wish for) But why is it like that? Why are the feelings of love not valued? Why is the love of years destroyed in a second? There are thousands of such questions, but whom to ask and who will answer?

Well! I know that You have been deprived a lot so far and must have taken two/three yawns by now? That's why I don't deprive you anymore, I'll just say that you are not only my love, but also a closest friend with whom I share every things, be it our personal things, family problems or talking to a girl. Moral of the story is that; even mosquitoes will not suck your blood as much as I suck, but I never boasted.

Hmm! So, let's not cry now, whatever is going to happen will happen, neither you nor I can avoid it or change it, the only thing I would like to say to you that wherever you be, be happy, take care of yourself and remember healing will take time and by the time everything is going to be alright.

This may be my last letter for you and by the given circumstances, it is clear that I will not be able to send you anything on your birthday, therefore, I am just wrapping this up with one of my own couplets:

Tu Muqaddar Mai Nahi Gar To Kya Kare Koi

Hai Yahi Faisla -E- Loh -O- Qalam Rehne De

(So, what should one do if you do not fall into destiny? This is what has been written for us so just leave it as it is…)

 

Good Bye!

Yours:

Ahmad